kasiatheslav // blog

Surely, no one else is able to understand how hard the struggle for a survival and a normal life in a foreign country is, but an other expat. People think I am simply crazily adventurous, people think I am fine being out there, because this is, what I chose for myself. The thing is not many people are aware of my everyday struggle to function in this strange reality, trying to be a part of a society, who's language I can barely speak. Forgetting that, I already everyday speak a foreign language, and I struggle a lot to be understood, and I don't get, as you say, decent conversation. It does feel painful since I consider myself an intelligent person, a person that has a lot to say about different subjects and somehow my thoughts en up unheard.

 My day to day reality is feeling like a retarded child, not knowing what and how to manage the life passing by, constantly asking others for help, smiling, when I don't understand and pronouncing Portuguese word with a wrong accent which makes me say "shit" instead of "coconut". Yes, simple, everyday life tasks are challenges. Nothing is easy, everything requires a certain amount of focus and preparation.

 And yet, those few people around me, that I consider my Portuguese family have sometimes so few understanding and compassion. From what I know, it is only my fault, the fault of hiding my fears and pain behind a hard shiny shell of I-can-take-it-all-Kasia. 

And everyday I wake up to face more and more challenges. Do I complain about the life I chose? No, I only get to complain about my incapabilities.